Serenity Prayer

I learned the "Serenity Prayer" while at the BFC for the family program. It's helped me so much over time, but I've caught myself not using it as much. It's a great prayer though and I want to share it with you. It works well in hard times.

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's so hard to not try and control everything. When I would say this prayer several times a day, it would help me realize that I'm the only one I can control.

Trouble from Kansas City

I've been avoiding my blog because I've found that I'm still very bitter about all this and as I write I either become overwhelmed with sadness or really pissed off. Most of the time I'm pissed. I'll try to take deep breaths and just remember it's the past and I can only control what happens today.

Okay......deep breath.

By the time our Trouble from KC started, his drinking was out of control. Each time I had the chance I would check his cell phone only to notice he was talking to "Kristen" several times a day. She was a high school classmate who was living in KC at the time. Of course this caused fights and he just said, she was someone nice to talk to and non judgemental. Bullshit.

One Friday afternoon he picked me up at my house after work so we could head to KC for an Elton John concert. He was TRASHED!! Of course he always denied it then would finally give in. We fought for about 30 mins before we even left the city to head down. He even drove me back to my house at one point and told me to get out of the car. I never did. We manged to make it to KC and it only got worse. Low and behold, Kristen was going to be at the Elton John concert too and she called us when we got there so they could say hi to eachother. Dave's excuse for drinking was that he was nervous and hadn't seen her in years. We met her inside the concert, said hello and then found our seats. Once we got back to the hotel, I noticed she had sent him a text message during the concert. Bitch!! Oh, and she was supposidly "happily" married. Riiight. This shit with her lasted until he finally went to treatment. He actually even used his phone time while he was there (and he had very little) to call her. FINALLY, everything stopped and he was more honest with me about things after he had gotten sober.

Still to this day, I'm not sure why I stayed. Looking back, I've realized that I was just as sick as him................

Valentines Day 2005

It was very close to Valentine's Day when I found him with another woman. I got tired of him, night after night, not answering his phone and this time I followed my gut which told me to head to his house. I did and was sick to my stomach with what I saw. It took me a few times of driving around before I knocked on the door. I could see him putting his clothes back on and no lights were on in the bedroom except for the TV.

He answered the door, shutting it behind him. I asked him who was there etc. I was so pissed I just remember calling my sister to say I found my boyfriend in bed with another woman. I was more devastated then I had ever been in my entire life. I had spent about 40 hours on my Valentine's Day present for him which was a DVD with songs and pictures of our relationship so far. Needless to say I threw it at him and left. To this day, he swears he never slept with him, but I know that if I was naked with something I had probably been comfortable enough to sleep with them. I still don't believe it.

This turmoil lasted all winter when I finally just called "her" Hell, I can't even remember what I said. Finally, one night she called him when I was over there and he put an end to things. By this time I was sleeping at his house and giving up my entire life just to keep an eye on him. I was getting sicker and sicker by the minute and he was too.

Midway through the winter he got fired from his job because of his drinking. So many times we'd met for lunch and he would be drunk by the time I got home and then he'd pass out for a few hours before finally returning to work. His drinking totally escalated once he didn't have a job and found himself bored to death.

The woman troubles that I thought were over, begin again. This time she was from Kansas City, MO.

The "other woman"

I remember this night like it was yesterday. We headed to a Nebraska Cornhusker football game in Lincoln, NE. It was a night game so we got there relatively early to party and hang-out. I was having a terrific time...until he got the call. His ex-wife was pretty messed up. On several prescription drugs, depressed and had attempted suicide a fews times. Only this time she succeeded. She left the car running in her garage, no one new exactly how long she had been there. Before the FB game even started we were headed back home. What the hell do you say during a car ride like this? Not only was his whole life about to change, so was our relationship.

I attended the funeral, he was preparing for being a single dad and moved back into his own house and the lying and drinking escalated. Holy crap, now I'm dealing with a guy who I really like who has two little girls he's 100% in charge of...what do I do? I struggled, I got sicker and so did our relationship. I can't count how many times he lied to me over the course of the next few months. And things didn't stop there, I had one more night I will never forget.


He stayed at my townhouse one night and passed out. I couldn't sleep so I headed downstairs to watch TV. I noticed his cell phone kept lighting up so I checked it, thinking it might be his kids. It wasn't! It was multiple text messages from another girls. Asking about "their" relationship etc. I was absolutely sick to my stomach. I didn't understand what was going on so I went to my best friends house in my neighborhood. She told me I should go home and confront him about it; so that's what I did.

I woke him up and asked him about what was going on. He played dumb at first and then said it was just the girls babysitter. So, why would she want to talk about "your relationship then?" He denied everything and said she liked him but he didn't like her. This is where the hell begins. Over the course of the winter this continued to be a HUGE problem. She kept calling, he would either not answer, hide his phone or turn it on vibrate. There were several times that I would call him at night and he would not answer. The next day he would say he fell asleep after he put the kids to bed. For some reason, my stomach told me otherwise.

The Addict, the treatment, the recovery. A gift from God?

It's not that I think my life is interesting enough to have people read about what's happening in my life, but they say journaling is a good way of healing. Even though it's been a couple of years since I've had to deal with major turmoil, I still believe that I've got a lot of recovering to do and I'm hoping this will help.

I've always wanted to publish a book about a certain chapter in my life to help others in case they are going through what I did. Looking back on things now, I was so young, so immature and had no idea what-so-ever about what to do. I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy. I titled my blog page "A Gift From God" because now that we are all in recovery, I truly do believe that I was given the situation from God because he believed that I could handle things and in the long run things would pay off.

So...here's my story.

It was the spring of 2004 and I was on a summer volleyball league with some of my best friends. Every Wednesday we headed to a bar before heading to the courts. That's when I saw him. I had been working with him for almost three years at the same company and we talked every once in awhile when he needed something. I had recently learned that he was going through a divorce because he wife had cheated on him and I felt so bad because of all the VP's he was the nicest one. Being the nice person I am, I invited him to stay with us to drink instead of leaving. He couldn't because he had two little girls to pick up. I told him he needed to come out next week and he kept him promise (after I hounded him the rest of next week) Low and behold, the game was canceled due to rain. That doesn't stop our VB team from parting though. We headed to our usual spot and he showed up. I thought maybe then, he had liked me. After a while, my best friend and I were hungry and decided to head to Perkins and invited him along. Once we got there we realized that they didn't serve alcohol, so we headed to what we call our first "connection spot;" Legends Bar and Grill. It was there that my best friend noticed a connection. It was also that evening that he asked me on my first date, to the Iowa State Fair.

Weeks went by and he attended all my volleyball games and for drinks before hand. We had even talked a few times on the phone. I remember the great butterfly feelings and the nervousness I had each time I saw him at work. One Wednesday we snuck away after a few drinks at the game and met at a nearby bar. He shared to me a little bit about his ex-wife and what he had went through as she continued to call him through-out the night. He never answered. It was that night (that we now tease each other for, that one attacked the other ha ha) that he kissed me in the parking lot before leaving. It was love at first kiss after that....well, on my part.

We spent as much time as we could after that. Weekends, week days etc. It was very hard at work because we were trying to keep in a secret, but with all the notes we wrote back and forth I don't think we did a very good job. I thought he was amazing and so wonderful. Little did I now that he had such a dark secret...........